What a bunch of conflicted feelings we’re feeling right now.
Everything just went wrong tonight, in so many ways. Or it went right, if you’re rooting for the Lannisters and Rockstar Euron Greyjoy, which we have to admit we’re not.
Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen finally met, but it was at first not the cheerful converging of plot lines we’ve been dreaming of. Dany sat up there on her high horse of a throne, making Missandei recite an entire monologue of titles while all Davos could do was mumble, «This is Jon Snow…he’s king in the north.»
Dany went on and on about how she’s the rightful Queen and if Jon won’t kneel before her, what is he even doing here? Jon, meanwhile, had no reason to call Dany the queen, but did need her help in defeating the Night King. Dany was all «LOL zombies, I’ve got dragons, bitch.» (Basically.) It just didn’t go well in general.
Up next, we found out what became of the Greyjoys and Dornish. Theon was rescued, but Yara, Ellaria, and one of the sand snakes were captured by Euron and brought to Cersei as her gift, since Ellaria was the one who murdered Myrcella. Cersei took true joy in this gift, agreeing to marry Euron…eventually…and immediately putting Ellaria and her daughter in the dungeon, feeding poison to the daughter, and forcing Ellaria to sit and watch her die.
Then, she and Jaime went and had some gross sibling sex, and Cersei decided she no longer cared who saw them together, since she’s the queen, after all.
Back at Dragonstone, Tyrion played mediator between both Jon and Dany, and eventually got Dany on Jon’s side. She still plans to be queen of even the North, but she’ll allow Jon to mine the dragon glass and will provide him with any other resources he needs.
So that’s nice, at least.
At Winterfell, Sansa was being a serious boss, dealing with food shortages and unexpected visitors named Bran Stark!! She tried to tell him he was now Lord of Winterfell, but he explained that he couldn’t, because now he’s the Three Eyed Raven. After being completely freaked out by Bran’s knowledge of her nightmare wedding night, Sansa left him alone by the heart tree.
At the Citadel, Sam’s cure for Greyscale apparently worked, and Jorah was free to go. Sam, however, had to be chastised but also praised for disobeying the maester. He expected a reward for saving Jorah’s life, but instead he got to copy a bunch of parchments. Basically Sam cannot catch a break, but at least he didn’t do anything gross in this episode, so maybe he’s moving up in the world.
Back at Dragonstone, Dany was determined to take her dragons to destroy Euron’s fleet, but Tyrion had better ideas. Apparently, he had designed the Casterly Rock sewer system to make it possible for his prostitute friends to come in and out undetected, meaning the Unsullied had a way in. They got in, but discovered the Lannister army wasn’t even there.
Then, she dropped the bomb that it was she who killed Joffrey, and she wanted both Jaime and Cersei to know that fact.
Let this be our official petition to erect a statue of Olenna Tyrell literally anywhere there is room for a statue, because this woman managed to win and die at the same time, despite the fact that you can only either win or die on this show. We declare her Queen in our Hearts, and we’ll chant it for you if you wish.